It’s the fourth week of school and that means a lot of things. It means we’re all past our “honeymoon” phase of teachers letting us out early, past the easiness of going over the syllabus, past our initial over-enthusiasm. Assignments are becoming due and workloads are really starting to pick up.
I don’t know about you, but for me it means I’m starting to zone out a lot more.
We’ve broken in the metaphorical shoe, I should say. We’re here, we’re here to stay so we might as well get comfortable while doing it.
Though I’m not sure, what anyone else’s undergrad was like but mine was one of minimal involvement. It was strictly work and school for sure, however, I don’t want this time to be like that. I want to be involved this time. I am worth allowing myself the true college experience.
I have this habit of always stretching myself to my limits, and after talking it out with my therapist, I’ve come to find it used to serve me a purpose as a child. My parents didn’t really care for me so my mind was always on overdrive, multitasking to make sure I never had a need. That wasn’t the case anymore.
I was no longer there. I needed to realize the now.
I started off grad school not only being a full-time student with a 16-hour internship, I also worked full-time. Hell, I finagled a $5 raise and a promotion to a position with a flexible work schedule –I had to make it work.
It would be selfish of me to turn away my job’s help, to turn away a chance to add this on my resume? I had to make it work…right?
I lasted a solid two weeks, which is probably more than what anyone else could say but I really had to take a step back to see the picture clearly. The picture was all blurry because I was too close to it. I was still in the mix, so I couldn’t take a moment to think clearly about what is going on.
Yes, I was doing it. Going to my internship 8:00 a.m. to 12:30 p.m., work 2:00 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. Day in and day out, wake up and repeat. Yes, I would ensure that I would not only be debt free, but have a nice savings as well.
But also, what was I going to do with all that money and no time to enjoy it? I wasn’t treating myself like I was human, I was trying to be superhuman. My mind was in overdrive again in an attempt to save myself from some pressing past. But I wasn’t there.
It was a paper tiger: an apparent threat, but not a real one.
I learned to acknowledge that my overdrive served as a survival skill in the past, but it was leaving me burned out and performing half-assed work at both my job and school. Furthermore, it was leaving an impression of someone that I am truly not.
I chose to trust myself. That if I ever got into a situation like the one in my childhood, where I was homeless and caught off guard, I could handle it.
I mean, I can handle it! When was the last time anyone faced a hardship that they didn’t pull through? We’re all here now right?!
Since my resignation my partner says I’ve come back to life, I am enthusiastic again, my face is clearing up and I personally feel happy to be involved in school orgs (not to mention my migraine is gone). Not the sleepiness though, you can never get enough sleep.
This is the importance of being here. Now.